What if my fears were right? What would I do? How could Iexplain this to Mum (Mummy) when she returned from AuntLizzie's (Liesa's)? Maybe she wouldn't even recognise me -nobody would, I'd changed so much. No one would believe mystory, they'd call me a liar, a freakshow. I'd end up in apadded cell! Things were happening too fast; I wasn'tprepared for this. Only five minutes before, I had wishedfor just such a miracle (if only I could look this way allthe time), but right now, faced with the possibility that Imight be trapped in a female body...I was afraid.I wavered back and forth, trying to find a solution, andalternative, a way out of this insurmountable paradox.There was none. I was paralysed with fear, shaking on theverge of tears. Why had this happened to me? All I'd wantedwas a holiday from myself, a chance to act out a few of myidle fancies. I was a boy for God's sake, a boy! I didn'twant to be a girl!!(yes, you do)(no I DONT)(yes you do: if only I could look this way all the. Shonda tried to spend as much time with me and the kids as she could. She really was a great mom but juggling a career and motherhood was hard on her.We still made love but most of the time she was tired and I wasn't about to force myself on her. She told me once she passed the bar it would be much easier on all of us. I reassured her I would wait for her. After all, she waited for me while I was in the service.Life was still good. I loved my job and spent a lot of time with my girls. When it was time for them to start school, Shonda actually took a morning off so we could take the girls to their first day together. I thought to myself, "This is what being a family is all about—being together."It was short lived because Shonda had to get back to the office. Though she had passed the bar, it didn't seem to get any easier. I still did my best to stand behind her in her career but it wasn't easy. I had my daughters but I wanted my wife too.Whenever we were together we made it quality.
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