His withdrawal from me was absolute, total, so that even on the few nights that he deigned to sleep with me in the apartment, he simply flopped himself into bed and rolled over to face the wall. Nothing I did could revive or encourage him in any way, when I touched him, I could feel his body turn to stone, a rigidity so complete as to be positively frightening. After a few nights of this, interspersed with those terrifying long absences, I even found myself wishing that he were the type of man who could simply objectify women, take advantage of them, use them for their bodies alone, and that he would coldly ravage me, impale me on the sword of his mysterious anger. Never have I come so dangerously close to losing my integrity, the pride and confidence that have kept me alive and triumphant even in life and death situations. Never before had I been so willing to submit myself to a man and his needs, never been so desperate to have a man’s interest and sexual reassurance. When I. Somehow Santa knew that this was going to be a tough one, and called up his best, ‘Ho, Ho, Ho, and a Merry Christmas,’ only to find the focus of his attention totally unmoved. Another even heartier try was just as unsuccessful. Maybe the head nurse was right. Millie was too far gone, and there were so many more reachable ones to visit that night. Past experience had taught me that I could not get to all of them, no matter how hard I tried. Somehow the spirit of a thousand Santas compelled me to persevere, and kneel at Millie’s feet. Taking her frail hand in mine, and looking her straight into the eye, I said, ‘Millie, Santa has come all the way from the North Pole just to wish you a Merry Christmas, and give you this little candy cane. And by God, he’s not going back to the North Pole until you smile for him.’ Millie immediately squeezed both of my hands with a strength that seemed to come from beyond her tiny frail body, and she broke into a toothless smile as warm and sincere as.
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