Estes," I replied, still trying to calm my nerves.Mrs. Estes was my mother's age and about 5 or 6 years younger than Mrs.Jackson. She looked skeptical and maybe even a little disgusted, whichmade it hard for me to feel comfortable.I paused for a moment, trying to collect myself. There was an odd silenceamong us, and I realized they were waiting for me to say something. Iregained my feminine composure and gestured gracefully for them to comeinside. "Please, do come in," I said pleasantly, "And thank you both forcoming over. It means a lot to Karen and me."Mom smiled at my graciousness and escorted us to the kitchen. She pouredcoffee for us all as I took a seat at the table with Mrs. Jackson andMrs. Estes. Both women looked at me without speaking, studying me like Iwas at the zoo. Their stunned silence was painful. In my discomfort, Iached for a cigarette but I wasn't quite ready to cross that bridge withthem just yet. Let them accept my appearance first, I thought, then thesmoking.My. I have to worry about my family. I have to be concerned with what you think, what the rest of my family thinks. I have to worry about bringing up my own kids, and how they turn out. I get to wake up four times a night to take a piss.“I get to be concerned about Rachel and Josh and how the world will perceive their relationship. I get to worry about your health. My health. Their health. The whole families health. The family finances. Being prepared for a rainy day.” I was getting shrill.“Johnny,” she said softly. I forced myself to calm down a bit.“You know,” I said, “I had a nightmare the night before Rachel and I conceived Josh. It was a nightmare about all those responsibilities and problems of living a life in the real world. Having a life like this was my greatest fear in the whole world, Kelly. Well here I am, living in something a lot closer to the real world than I would have been able to stomach 19 years ago. So yes, Kelly, I long for moving back to a world where all I had to.
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