I know what's changed that's helping her to suddenly open her mind a little more. We don't talk much, but the word 'divorce' came up a few times."When Lois called again, I suggested that she could lead Joe into changes by changing herself first. "If you're willing to try, I have some ideas that might help. But you have to be truly willing, very brave and daring. I'm sure you'll find many pleasant surprises and probably ease tensions between you and Joe. You'll have to be nakedly honest with me about many things, even very personal, very intimate, questions I'll have to ask you, and trust me for just a few weeks. If you don't answer honestly, I can't help you."For the next two hours, I got information [3] about her marriage, sex history and attitudes, preferences etc. Most of it was old news, but I could tell she was struggling and being openly and bravely honest. She told me her first time sex at fourteen was forced, felt grimy and was very painful. Her limited experience since then. Although it wouldbe invalidating to be disqualified solely on that basis regardless,another stinging little slap from the world in which nobody understandsor shares your paradigm, another reminder of your one guaranteed pieceof inexorable solitude.Knowing her, though, you'd never know for certain, and that wouldprobably be the worst of it. For that matter--oh no--never knowingexactly how she feels, about your narrative, your impossibleidentity--no, your double deviancy--could prove poisonous to what you'rebuilding together in itself. You've never expected anyone to acceptthis part of you on your own terms, which is why you've kept it soclosely guarded. She didn't say anything about...genitals, though, thatwasn't how she framed... I know what I like. Hm, yeah. Anyway, that'smoot.You actually slap yourself hard on the left side of your face as theseeddying ruminations encase your head, partially to punish yourself forletting your thoughts descend into such territory and partially.
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