He invited me in. As we sat talking I just couldn't not say something about what I saw just because it could have been a young person instead of me that saw what I saw.I said " Doug I'm sorry I have to say this but I saw you walking around naked and playing with yourself. "I told him I was concerned about some young person seeing what I saw and he agreed.I said " you know I know you miss her bad but there are other women out there and I know that she would want you to move on. I know she would."He was very embarrassed and after awhile of talking he finally said " do you know any women you can hook me up with?"I said that I would think about it and let him know.Then he said to my surprise " it's too bad you're not available I have always found you very sexy and still do."I think I turned every shade of red and he apologized a lot. We talked more and I was so taken by him that I was actually thinking about having sex with him. I had never had a long conversation with him and didn't. I tolerated going to work, because I had to. Anything else became a race to see how fast I could get back to where I felt safe. For almost two years I was two people — the friendly, personable guy I wanted to be while I was at work, where I got along with people well enough to be liked, but didn’t go out of my way to be drawn into friendships outside of work, and the scared, fat nerd, cowering under my security blanket. I still don’t know what made me make the leap. Maybe it was just the time that had passed. Maybe it was the sudden horror that the more things changed, the more they stayed the same. One Saturday, doing my weekly cleaning, (I hate to clean, so I have a standing list of weekly things to do, just to be sure they get done) I went to put a heavy coat into the back of my closet until it would be needed again next winter. I saw my cue case, gleaming in the corner. Something in me snapped and said, ‘Fuck this miserable existence! I want to LIVE!’ I had been going to play.
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