The cigarette packet was open. Beside it was a cheap lighter that hadonly just appeared.My hand shook as I reached out for it.As I made contact with a cigarette the light dimmed further, turninggolden brown and my finger nails shimmered into a vibrant red colour.The fingers themselves slimmed, my hand losing all the tan andcoarseness of age. I was wearing a short sleeved blouse and my exposedforearm became slimmer too. I started to pull the cigarette out of thepack.Then I stopped.The light in the little room grew marginally. The changes to my armslowed down and then stopped.Was this what I wanted? Was it what I really wanted?If I became Jenna Jones again then I would forget myself. I'd becomeher body and soul - a trampy little teenage slag with no prospects andno responsibility. I'd never be able to become Mary Beljer againbecause this time there would be no Susan to call me back. I would losemyself completely.But that meant I would forget my pain too and I so wanted that. Iwanted to. That's why I loved him.. It was October and He told me that he would be gone all month and be back In November. I helped him pack his bags, the usual camo uniform, boots, socks, tooth brush, tooth paste, all the goodies. I feared this day for a while. I guess I always knew it was coming, I told him before he found out he was gonna deploy that you never know, he might get called in early and I was really upset about it and sure enough, He has to deploy in march and Here it is October, And He's gonna be gone all month. Not to mention his babies growing inside of me each day. He kissed my belly and I watched him leave. At first, I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I was constantly finding myself crying because someone said or did or even reminded me of something we laughed about. I sat in the shower and cried my eyes out till the water ran ice cold. I paced the house In the middle of the night, back and forth, back and forth all the while my belly getting bigger and bigger. I smiled.
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