I ask, who was I? That’s what I sought to answer as I wrote my personal conundrum saga.Don't judge me harshly. I lived one day at a time. I tried the best I could with who I thought was me, during a different era, even though not so long ago. I’ve learned and accepted it wasn’t my husband's suggested swinging which released my secret puppet shadow. It was my pride’s creation, fornication its expression.Was I born with a libidinous gene inherited from Dad? Did he wantonly abandon a family in China for lust; lust of white women? Was there a threshold he once crossed and searched thereafter to rediscover, like me?How about Mom? Why did the shop owner give her sweets? Did she sway in her little sarong and beguile the shopkeeper? Did she have a come-hither smile when entering the store to buy spam and flirt for a sweet? Did she seek to leave a dysfunctional family like me? Was my libidinousness inherited from both?Of course not. Why seek excuses for behavior I don’t want not to admit. We slept late, giving into exhaustion in the wee hours. When I’d finally woken up, it was some time in the afternoon, and I was devastated to see Abbey standing in the bathroom doorway, buttoning up a clean blouse, that was definitely not intended for lounging around bed in. I think I’d have been fine if she’d just had on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt, because I could’ve convinced myself she was just running out to get some lunch, or about to suggest we take a walk to remove the sleep from our eyes, before coming home for another session of exploration. But the professional attire said darker things were at foot. She’d laughed, reading my mind so easily, and I’d begun to realize that I was consciously collecting my scattered thoughts into coherent sentences, to make it easier for her. This thought made her smile brightly. ‘I wondered when you’d notice you were doing that. ‘ She’d been called into work, some kind of problem, that turned out to be a thorn in our sides for days. This.
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