I was totally confused again and you helped set me straight. Things were ugly with Jocelyn and we had a huge fight. She told me I was falling back into the clutches of an abusive guy who used women like toilet paper. But I knew that wasn’t you. For all your faults, whatever they were, I never, ever thought you used me, or anyone else for that matter.”“And setting me up with all those girls? What was that about?”“Except for Bethany, who was a special case, I guess I was punishing myself for my past. I hated who I was and couldn’t believe that anyone could love or want me. When you made love with Becky, it only confirmed to me that I wasn’t worthy of you, or anyone else. That’s why I broke up with you. Then when Birgit died, you were hurting so badly and I wanted to help you. That let me overcome my self-loathing enough to take up with you again. But you remember I refused your offer of a promise ring?”“I do. And things are starting to make sense. Why didn’t you just tell me? Or. My sense of taste wasn't refined enough to tell good coffee from terrible coffee, but I did remember how to make it. Like Eve had said the warm liquid was relaxing. I had the increased benefit of remembering how good coffee did taste. Memories was heightened, just because I no longer had the same feelings. Heightened to the point of the memory was more real than the current event. That was usually a good thing, so far.Jen left my place with a cup of my coffee. I sent her coffee home in one of the many cheap ceramic cups I had bought in my old life. I bought them by the dozen for just such occasions. I hated Styrofoam in any form. No I am not environmentally friendly, they just add taste to things which should not have the taste of plastic. Of course by that time it wouldn't have made any difference. But old habits were going to die extremely hard, I could tell.I had been shot at the end of summer. It was November by the time I got back to my place. I realized that I had to think.
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