That's one of my big fantasies at night, to imagineI'll wake up as a girl and just have a normal day as one. I just dowhatever I would normally be doing, except I'm female. Then the guilthits, and I try and beat back the fantasy. I'm so tired of thisstruggle.******I know I don't write a lot about school, its cause I really don't have alot to say. It just IS, you know? I'm mostly ignored here, and that'sjust fine with me. Much less chance of somebody figuring out I'm notlike other boys.****My brother got a package from home today. It was a cassette tape from afriend of his. He let me listen, his friend seems pretty cool. John madea tape to send back, and I had to say "hi" on it, I don't know why. Iadmire my brother a lot, he's turning into a good man. But that also istaking him further away from me, since I am not a good man. Most days, Idon't feel like a man at all.*****I've been dreaming about HER a lot. Sometimes, when I'm getting dressed,I almost see her in the mirror. I don't. "The doctor smiled. "Get Tommi a pretty swimsuit, and a nice baby doll, soshe can learn to be a good mother, like yourself."She looked at me. "Tommi, you can get dressed now. Take the rest of theday off, play with your doll, treat her like your baby, like your mothertreated you."Then the doctor looked at my mother. "Here's a prescription for some painrelief for Tommi. The device is improved over your generation, and willfall off automatically and evaporate. If there's any discharges, make anemergency appointment straight away."I got dressed, pulling my panties up, and the flickering stoppedimmediately.I remember my mother taking me to the stores, I got a bikini in pink! anda nice Barbie Mother and Baby Son doll that looked just like me!School was fine, one of the girls teased me, saying I was a fake girl,and tried to kick me, but I ran away, the next day she had a controlcollar on in bright red, looked at me with anger in her eyes, thensquealed in pain as her control collar flashed.I.
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