"Mmmm Gin and Tonic, Yes please."I turn around to see you standing behind me wearing a trench coat and black stockings and black open toed heels. My jaw hits the floor. You lean over and give a light kiss on my cheek and I can smell this exotic perfume and get a peek down the coat."Lets go!" I say grabbing you by the hand."Not so fast. I think some teasing is in line for you." You sit down next to me as the bar tender hands you your Gin and Tonic. You cross your legs and begin to rub your foot up my leg. You put the glass to your lips and take a sip leaving a perfect outline of you lips from the light pink lipstick you have on. Your hair is pulled back in a ponytail, you have on dark eye shadow and light pink lipstick all of which is very alluring and quite pretty. We talk a little about our day as we order another round. Your hand resting on my thigh, close to but not close enough to my crotch for you to feel the bulge developing in my pants. After a little while I try to. I have no one to whisper to. I have lost again and look away with eyes full of remorse and hurt and that glint of fear. Fear of the pain? No…more accurately described as fear of failure. What kind of mother will I be? Hands explore a surface so hard and round and promising, feeling that pulse of life within, wishing I could look like this forever and have someone to whisper to. And then the pain came, and I wonder why I was not in fear of it. Pain like a river, a waterfall, an earthquake…pain like a volcanic eruption that makes me scream and scream and scream. So much pain to deliver a life so small. Giving birth was perhaps the most painful and colorful moment of my life, the ripping of a soul that I’m not even sure exists. It tore from me like the wing of bird, disabling my flight through the azure dawn of existence. I felt that when I was crying my tears were made of glass because they hurt as they came out razor edges carving bloody scars down my cheeks dropping like bullets onto.
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