By Wednesday morning I thought for sure he would come for me. When evening finally came and he hadn't shown up, I started thinking about getting dressed up and going out and finding someone to rape me. Yes, I know that is sick. I wouldn't have done it. I just thought about it, fantasized about it.On Thursday I had just about decided he wasn't coming back anymore. I got dressed up and I was just getting ready to go for a walk around the mall when my door opened suddenly and he was standing there, my rapist.I'm not sure I can adequately explain my reaction when I turned and saw him standing there. I'm not sure that I fully understand them myself. It was a strange combination of fear and excitement, probably in equal parts.He shut the door and came over and looked me over. He squeezed my breast. I think he was just checking to see if I was wearing a bra. I was. I had put it on since I was going out.I expected him to start undressing me immediately, or to get comfortable and order me to. "I told you I need you." You're doing smack again?" she asked. I never let her know of my heroin use since Paris. I think she wanted not to know. She knew. "I'm still here and you're still doing it. It doesn't matter. I'm going. You better get your head together. Do you want to lose all this?" I don't know. Maybe I am," I said."You're what?" Lost."She sat me down on the bed and sat beside me and took my shoulders in her hands and held my gaze. "You have to be strong. I'm not strong anymore. Whatever it is in your secret mind, you have to get over it. In so many ways you make me proud. You're my accomplishment on this earth. I did all I could to make you great. Then I brought the Nigger into your life." Don't call him that. You sound like the producer. He's a cool guy and a genius and you loved him." I don't know what I was thinking. I thought maybe we could get you something, morphine or something to ease your stomach. But then I saw how much you liked it and I cursed myself. I hoped.
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