”I’m going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I’ll do the second week.Even duct tape can’t fix stupid ... but it can muffle the sound!Why do I have to press one for English when you’re just gonna transfer me to someone I can’t understand anyway?Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.This item is compliments of an Anonymous donor:A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.Three women, an American, a Kiwi and a Australian Woman, were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.The American woman said “Have you ever had a hug?”The man said “No,” so she gave him a hug and walked on.The Kiwi woman said, “Have you ever had a kiss?”The man said, “No,” so she gave him a kiss and walked on.The Australian woman came to him and said, “Have you ever been fucked?”The man broke into a big smile and said, “No.”She said, “You will be when the tide comes in.”A nurse walks into a room and sees a patient pretending he’s driving a truck,. Them was real nice folks, and I enjoyed a mighty good meal of roast beef and all of the fixin's. We was just having desert, a peach cobbler, when a rock came flyin' through the window. Now, good glass is expensive, soz I could sympathize with my host fer bein' right pissed off.The important thing was that rock was wrapped with a piece of paper. The paper turned out to be a note threatnin' the rancher with harm to his 12 year old daughter ifen he testified. Now, it seemed to me that the threat in a federal case made it my business, soz I had Jack saddled and was on the trail of the rock-thrower in a matter of minutes.I was on the watch out fer an ambush, since that was the logical way to deal with somebody followin' somebody else. It was only two and a half miles later that I ran into that ambush. Now, I'm sure that my instinct is gonna fail me one of these days, but I'm riding it fer all it's worth 'til that happens. Anyway, I was comin' up on some trees, and I had a strong feelin'.
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