THE PULITZER COLONOSCOPYABOUT THE WRITER: Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.Colonoscopy Journal:I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep, ' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.I spent the next several days. Mentioning the word golf around us was a good way toinstantly lose our attention span. She mouthed the words, "Kill me now."and immediately after gave another quick and nervous glance towardBishop Price. Him acknowledging this time said he was sorry to myMother. He must be getting too in to his story. I figured he probablybumped legs with her under the table.The story eventually wound down with my Dad and the Bishop sharing agood hearty laugh; something about a caddy and a nine iron. The Bishopwith much social finesse turned the topic to my sports interests and ifI was going to try anything new for my senior year which started afterthe summer break in 6 months. I told him I didn't think I was built forfootball and if I did try a sport it would be something like swimming orsoccer. He then asked me if I had any interest in becoming more involvedin the church. At about this time our waitress returned with our usualtwo jumbo pizzas so the question hung for a minute as the table.
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