I listened closely for words but all I heard were indecipherable moans, breathy whispers, whimpering cries, soft mutterings and erratic grunts. I sat up in my bed and realized the very “sexcapades” I remember playfully admonishing you about before I became your roommate was actually happening right next to me. I was hardly shocked, but a little turned on instead. I am by nature a confirmed voyeur, and this I freely admit. But this kind of eavesdropping inspired a brand new type of arousal of the auditory kind for me. Now my imagination would have to fill in for my eyes. I was ready for the challenge! So I fluffed my pillow, drew back my curtains to let the moonlight in, removed my camisole and slipped out of my panties then lay down to make myself comfortable and closed my eyes. Immediately a magnetic force drew my hands down under the sheets. I pretended my hands are yours, and I imagined you caressing all of the intimate parts of my prone body, just like I. Like a woman who was raped, ends up fantasizing and searching for it. A weird psychological phenomenon of compensating and trying to try to come to terms with and take control of a major phobia. Instead of having the courage to fight that fear, he wanted me to completely own it and incorporating it into my life. I didn’t want to be that. That’s not the future I wanted for myself.And what he was telling me was no different than a battered wife coming to a friend for advice only to be told that she didn’t deserve any better than to be a victim all her life. That she should make the most of it and enjoy the physical and psychological beatings her abuser was so graciously bestowing upon her.If my only choices were between a life of loneliness on my own and a life of cuckoldry eating another man’s cream pies, both literally and figuratively, I would choose a life of loneliness where at least I can keep my head up high and look myself in the mirror without having to throw up.I had a lot to.
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