Putting the key in the lock, I open the door placing my coat on the rack just inside the hallway. Walking towards the kitchen a hand grasps across my mouth, I am startled and my heart races in my chest. I cannot see the body behind me and panic imagining what will happen next. The figure drags me to the bay mirror, I see my slave master pressed against me,with his hand firmly across my mouth. I relax and become more excited as we play out one of our many fantasies.. I hear his voice, “quiet.” Suddenly I feel his free hand rip across my breasts, my bra and top tear away from my flesh. His hand pinches at my nipples as he caresses my body and curves. I am scared but strangely aroused, as I do not resist. He pushes me to the wall while his lips meet the nape of my neck, kissing across my soft flesh, I shiver and my body has goose bumps. As he gets rougher with his movements, he grabs my hair pushing my face across the wall, his free hand rubbing at my back and arse. He continues. These were gray, uneventful days. I got bored every fifteen seconds.Life had tragedy now. It had dire consequences, uncertainty, loneliness, nuclear warheads. On a daily basis I tracked every news story and photo of the Korean War, longing desperately to be old enough to lug a Leica camera and produce the dramatic photos I saw in "Life" magazine. What I saw in the reportage was a grim, idiotic war that destroyed my earlier illusions about the brand of heroism I had seen in the likes of "Wake Island" and "The Fighting Seabees." This vicious drama had a strange allure for me, and now, many years later, I suspect that my fascination with it was a sublimation of the emotional and sexual intensity of my relationship with Martha Jane. Our secret drama was enacted less and less frequently as the circumstances of our lives began to change.Left more often to my own devices by my relatives on weekends, I searched the downtown movie houses for a potency of experience not found with the Bowery.
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