‘How old are you, John?’ ‘I passed the big four-oh last birthday,’ I said. Without a girlfriend in sight or prospect, I’d observed the day by completing a particularly difficult furnace repair for the elementary school necessitated by a winter power failure and subsequent freeze-up so the school could open on time on Monday. ‘How many girls have you lived with?’ ‘Three, counting her, but never of long duration. Never longer than a few months.’ ‘Why did your other girlfriends leave?’ ‘They alleged I wasn’t sensitive to them, that I did not pay proper attention to obvious signals or look soulfully into their eyes. And they all got upset over incidents I thought were trivial. That sort of thing.’ ‘And were you sensitive to them?’ I shrugged. ‘I don’t know. I did not forget anniversaries, even silly ones like having first made their acquaintance three months ago, or that it was a month since they had first cohabited with me. I was always giving them little gifts, so they’d know I cared.. “What’s so funny?” he demanded quietly, not at all Queer Eye-like. I blushed furiously, already feeling like an moron trying to squirm out of this with sophomoric humor. “Erm, ‘assure’ has the word, uh, ‘ass’ in it.” Idiot. He nodded his head slowly from side to side. “We have our work cut out. Get up.” “What, why–?” “Get up Sheila.” I stood up. “Sheila, are you for real about this? You invited me to be your Ass Trainer and now–” “Now?” He studied me with a hard look. “We have to do something, to be real here.” “What?” I squealed, not understanding. “Hold out your hand. Your hand, Sheila dear, give me your–!” I held out my left hand for him. I looked up at him, in the eyes, meekly. I’d be serious, I’d do as he said, I told myself. I willed my eyes to tell him the same, silently. He held my look for a few seconds, then he reached for the bottle of lube. He took my offered hand by the wrist, lifted it up and squirted lube onto my fingers. “Work it around your first two fingers,” he.
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