Since I?ve been on HRT that anger has beenreduced dramatically. Even now in my anger I try to admonish instead oflashing out either physically or verbally.The result of my fear and anger was me being a lonely boy. My parentssaw that and thought after consulting with others that seeing apsychiatrist might help. I couldn?t tell this grown up anything so in asense I wasted their money. Now I could tell those shrinks how I feel,but as a kid I couldn?t. I was still afraid.Part of my fear was that I was the only one who thought that way. In asense that is true. According to statistics in the Netherlands aboutone child in eleven thousand births is a male to female transsexual andone child in twelve thousand is a female to male transsexual.There are other things that bother me. I cannot now or ever give birth.When she was pregnant my now ex-wife told me about how the baby wasmoving in her. Her description of what she was feeling inside herincluded a smile on her face that told me of the joy. I lost my boots as well.I tried to look up some old friends in town, but most had either moved on or passed on.One of the pizza joints in town owned the recipies from Suzy's, the go-to pizza place of my youth. I stopped by for a pizza to take home on occasion but it was infrequent. My guts didn't play well with all that grease anymore.The ground was frozen. Thanksgiving was around the corner. I spent a couple thousand dollars to have a nurseryman come out with a chainsaw and, bit by bit, thin out the woods so that the trees had room to grow. I showed him my planting diagram and got some more ideas. After all, it was his business to know not only what would grow happily in the area but what would look good as well. I'd have been a fool to pay for a man's professional advice then not take it to heart. We left the downed wood where it lay to decompose and feed the forest floor. I told him what I'd had done about the blown in chopped trees and brush. He said that it might stink come.
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