It always marked change. The leaves would begin to change to their beautiful yellows, oranges, and reds. The weather would begin to cool, leaving behind the sticky, hot humidity that imprisoned humans during the Texas summers. With the cooler weather, my seasonal allergies went away too. But death always finds a way to put a damper on things.As I pulled out a suitcase, I began to wonder how much I should pack, as there were additional things that needed my attention in Tennessee. My back pockets seemed to hold my life in order, with my wallet in the back right and my phone in the back left. I reached for my phone and discovered a text message from a dear distant cousin, with whom I had not spoken to in quite some time.”Hey nerd! News travels fast in this small town. So sorry about your grandpa! Are you coming for the funeral?” Sarah had always been a lovely gal to me. We would trample through the woods, climb waterfalls and roughhouse together when I would come to visit as a child.. They were something like a gang, fiercely loyal and combative and secretive and united above all by a hatred of society. And I wanted to be one of them.It was a miserable day in June when I gathered up my courage. Rainy, but the hot, sticky kind that only serves to make you sluggish and anxious and maybe give you a headache. College had let out, but I was killing brain cells all the same as a grocery store cashier. I pushed myself through morning with the thought of my midday cig break, but it was hardly a relief once it came, slumped out back behind the store in the sticky heat, dumpsters festering beside me. I felt sick and dizzy, and the cigarette was like a cheap knock-off of nepenthe, just barely enough to dull the urge to slit my throat with my “Hello, my name is” pin. I felt anxious and uneasy and uncomfortable, like there was an itch stuck underneath my skin that wouldn’t go away. I kind of felt like jacking off behind the dumpster, too, but I’m not sure if it was more.
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