Perhaps I could do with a break from my studies. It was probable, after all, that my mother had exaggerated his bad qualities to me. The man in the photo looked endearing and harmless. The tip of my finger felt warm. I felt something else too. A kind of sweet excitement, deep within me. A sense of the delights of surrender. Whatever this feeling was, I knew at least that it was mine and that I could only discover more by exploring things further by myself. Early yesterday, and despite myself, I found myself slipping out of the front door into the morning darkness and a low rumbling taxi. It felt like I was being taken on a trajectory that was not of my own making. I constantly questioned if I should be doing this, even as I was welcomed aboard the plane and took my seat. I told myself that I was to remember always that this was my idea and that I was in control. I needed to learn more about my feelings. I was simply going to question my father and get some answers. Then I could. Half hour later I'm walking into a fast food restaurant cover in blood only part of which is mine.Seven days later I'm being asked to manage my best friends pub. Then a week from now I will be all healed up and bored shitless again. God life was grand.The weekend went by without indecent. The things went as Jeromy and The Brit no doubt planned. I wasn't alone most of the weekend and I ate good food from Juanita's kitchen. I hated being manipulated, but I had to admit it was what I needed at that moment.When the weekend ended, I was stronger and I had a weekend free of stress. I was more peaceful in my mind. I didn't mind getting back in my fortress, but I did a little like one of those old men, who sat in an old chair with a shotgun guarding his home. I was a bit paranoid, but as they say, sometimes they really are after you.By Wednesday of that next week I was watching pornography on the web. I really had become on of those really pathetic creatures. I was reluctant to go out in.
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