I'd never been in so much pain inall my life. And he knew just exactly how to administer that pain too.I screamed until I was hoarse. I shook, I thrashed, I tried to pullaway. All to no avail. I was caught. I was pinned. I was tied. Iwas...his. I surrendered that night. Any illusions of keeping controlduring my transformation were stripped away that night with each strokeof his whips.When he was done he had me exactly where he wanted me to be. It turnedout, this was exactly where I wanted to be as too. There was no morepretense, no more fantasy, no more illusions. This was it and this wasgoing to be real. I was in this for real. Sure, I'd told myself thatbefore but now, sobbing, racked with pain from his beating, and hanginglimply from his ropes, now, I knew it like nothing else.Now I had finally surrendered. Now I had finally submitted. He had beatout of me any of my remaining illusions of control and all of mydelusions of reality. I was his now. I was his to reshape into. Jen just satthere silently as she held my hands until I could regain my composureenough to talk. I softly started, "Jen you don't know how bad it was." Yeah I think I do, you don't have to say it. It's okay," she told mesqueezing my hands."No you're wrong, I do have to say it. You had commented a few timesabout how I had starting to let my hair finally grow out," she nodded atthat. "It wasn't so I could grow out my hair, spending that money hadstarted to feel like such a waste." Why a waste?" She said obviously confused."It was a waste because..." I had to take a deep breath to steady myselffor what I was about to tell her. "Because I didn't see any reason tokeep spending $8 every two weeks when I wasn't expecting to be here muchlonger... That overwhelming weight... and hopelessness... I didn't seeany other way to escape it..." Oh God Rebecca!! You're not still..." She couldn't say the rest due toher crying and holding me fiercely."No Jen I'm not thinking about it. At least not.
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