I even tried to killmyself with some tablets that I found in the bathroom cabinet but it ended withthat I vomit so awfully that I was afraid to not getting air between the throw-ups. I remembering that Iwas on my all four over the toilet and the cover to the lavatory hit me in the backof my head. It was made by plastic and that was my luck, other ways I had beenbeaten to death by the cover instead *smile*. When my poor attemptfailed I had to keep living and that was what I wanted all the time. My attempt was only acry for help because I call Mats before I took the pills and told his answeringmachine and told him what I was up to do, in a nasty way. You mustn?t try toforce anyone to love you, but I was desperate. The feeling of missinghim accelerated to be worse as the time passed. I could sit in my caroutside of his house just for a glimpse of him passing out or in to his house. Very early in themorning I sat the alarm-clock just to go over there and see him cross thestreet on his. ’ I couldn’t believe this was Rick talking, I’d always thought he hated my guts, though not openly. We chatted then sauntered over for lunch and I received a standing ovation – well, a few guys did play up a bit. I was beginning to get the impression that I might have some attributes that appealed to people after all. If only Nancy can read the signs, but there is the age gap between us and, as well, she’s capable of making the distinction between convenience – me – and the guy she really wants who she hasn’t met yet. Back in Rick’s office we looked at the construction schedule against progress reports. We were three days behind, but that is manageable – no reason to panic. I asked Rick could he spare a crane, a flatbed trailer, a tracked hauler and say four men for one hour maximum to relocate Nancy’s cabin up on the summit alongside his and my accommodation. I then told him how I wanted to form an education subcommittee to prepare Nancy for her exams and feed her ideas for the paper.
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