Another smelling salt capsule is waved under my nose and I jerk awake again. "I grow weary of hearing your pathetic screams," she says while opening a drawer and pulling out a clear plastic package with some tubing inside. Before I know what is happening my head is pushed back and my mouth is pried open. A tube is inserted down my throat and i feel a tightness as something is inflated inside of me. I start to gag out of reflex but get myself under control quickly. Smiling wide she looks into my eyes and says in a sweet voice, "That should keep you're annoying vocal chords silent."Next, some clamps are lowered into position and my head is secured in place staring straight ahead. I try to look down as an angled funnel and a small cup are placed under my chin. The cup is on one end of a balance scale with some small weights at the other end. I can see a contact switch under the far end of the scale with wires leading out. I'm curious, this is no device of mine. It must be. Looking back, I think I first realised I was gay when I was thirteen years old, but I don't think I fully understood what that meant until I was about sixteen. During the last five years, or so, I've done a lot of soul searching, but have yet to accept being gay and I still haven't told anybody about it. I haven't even met another gay man that I am aware of. I have decided to write about my life in the hope of juggling all my thoughts in a more logical way. Maybe this way, I will finally be able to pluck up the courage to be who I really am in the world.Late April in Newcastle, in the North-East of England, usually means one thing for me. It's coming to the end of the football season and my team are fitting tooth and nail for those final precious points to end the season on a high. I'm a Newcastle United fan; always have been, always will be. My dad started taking me to the United games when I was four, or five years old. This family tradition carried on, more or less, for every.
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