She bent forward slightly and my eyes automatically went to the gap at the center of her blouse. She placed her hand in my crotch and asked, ‘What emotions are you feeling?’ ‘Ahhh, oh fear maybe … and some…some…’ ‘Say it,’ she urged. ‘Shame!’ I told her ‘And what else?’ she insisted, her hand doing spider pushups in my groin ‘Anger,’ I responded flatly. Anger about what?’ she asked. ‘That … that you can put your hands on me and open me up like a can of sardines,’ I spit at her. She withdrew her hand, swung her thigh away so there was no contact between us and said, ‘You’re a classic sexually-repressed, seriously damaged twentieth century male.’ She rose and returned to her chair. With her yellow pad on her thigh and her pen poised she said, ‘Tell me about your relationships with women, starting with your mother.’ She asked many questions and filled several pages of her yellow pad with notes. When she put the pad aside I knew we were about to move on to something else. ‘Since. I absolutely should not have any more poppers, so I absolutely do, tugging the bottle from inside my bra and taking hit after hit until the wood spins around me and I feel like I could fit a tree inside me; I am so ready.But nothing comes for me, so I tuck the bottle away and slink on, my balance fucked and my heels threatening to cripple me with every step. I do not care. I am rich with sensuous abandon and crazed with erotic possibility.I no longer feel like I am in the dark. I feel like part of it, and part of the wood as human animals are supposed to be – one with the landscape and its mad, lush fertility. I no longer care if Mutant John wears a condom or not. I feel, with a certainty that defies reason, that I could get pregnant – that I want to get pregnant.I pant with desire and fear…No, not fear anymore, terror – not just of Mutant John, but of everything – a pure stab of existential awareness as if the universe itself has just fingered me. How tiny I am, and how glorious!.
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