But she also was fairly sure that not only would you not initiate it, but that you would be more concerned about how I felt than about getting laid. What really worried her was that I would try to use sex to get you back. I know for a fact that’s not going to work!”Her smile at the end of her reply made me feel better. The crushed look before seemed to have been caused by the vehemence of my response. I needed to apologize to her for that.“Jennifer, I’m sorry I was so harsh, but I was really upset. Please forgive me.”“I do, but honestly, I needed that. I guess I really let Jocelyn convince me that I’d been abused by you when I really hadn’t.”“What’s her problem?”“Andrea Dworkin. When Jocelyn was sixteen, she went to hear Dworkin speak in Berkeley, and she also went on some march in the red-light district with Dworkin.”“Who the hell is Andrea Dworkin?” I asked.“A feminist author. According to Jocelyn, she’s really outspoken about how men have power over women and enforce it by law.. But a few days later I was reading and chilling and thought about masturbating, and the "fulfilled" feeling came to mind, so I decided to try again.This time I got some lube and the dildo and went into the bathroom where the shower seat was perfect for this sort of thing. After lubing my finger and making it slip up inside me all the way, I sat, knees spread, balanced on the soles of my feet, reaching up inside of myself, first with one finger, then a second, and then, finally, a third, stretching my anus open as far as I could to make it ready for the dildo which sat on its suction cup next to me. As I probed, shadows of the deep feeling I had experienced were glowing and pulsing within me, through my anus and balls and cock, but also up into my ribs and chest, nipples and along my spine. It was faint, but delicious and I savored it, closing my eyes and breathing harder, my hand slipping and swirling up in me like a lover might I thought. The dildo still didn't strictly fit into my.
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