The blood tells me. I stop and listen to my blood. It is the first voice I have heard in days, months, centuries. It tells me secrets about myself, things I never wanted to know. Falling to my knees I begin to cry. Only the gulls answer me. I sit and stare across the water. On some shore I cannot see across the blue waste of water lies a place that once may have been home. I try to remember what it was like there, what I did, who I loved. I almost remember when my wounds reopen and I allow myself to sink into blackness. Images drown me in the water that is now my home. A snippet of laughter, a soft kiss, a forgotten bit of sun. It is only the jeering of the gulls high above. There is sand in my mouth. A continent stretches behind me yet I do not look for others of my kind. I do not know if there are others like me. I spit out the sand and each grain turns into a dream before sinking back into the beach. I look towards the forest stretching in one direction, then my eyes turn back to. I told her that at about five I was with mom in somedepartment store while she was in the lingerie department and I feltlike a girl while we were there. I explained that as a child it wasdifficult for me to cuddle a toy solder because that doll was toting agun. I explained to her my disappointment when at the age of eleven,instead of getting puffy on my chest my voice was deepening.I was also scared back then. Afraid of someone finding out. Afraid thatsomeone who did find out would attack me or at least ridicule me. I wasalso afraid that I would be caught dressed in mom?s clothes. The strangest thing is that the others knew. For example, I came in thirdfor best looking girl in my senior year. The one who won was alreadytransitioning.I was actually attacked at the age of twelve by a boy who goosed mejust because he wanted to find out if I was a boy or girl. When hefound out he laughed. He laughed as I lay on the ground protectingmyself. The physical pain of him grabbing my balls.
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