” I had a pen and paper ready.“First, character development is improving. I’m beginning to see depth in the narrator’s character, especially the part where he is nearly consumed by self-doubt. Setting up that depth of character with the narrator, though, also increases the contrast with less fully developed characters. In a first-person narrative, you need to give the reader some insight into the development of the relationships that goes deeper than what you have. What does the narrator—Daniel—see in Jasmine that indicates her interest? Even if it wouldn’t be something that he makes a conscious note of, it would be on the periphery of his awareness. The way she touches her hair, a blush, a sigh, a faraway look, a touch. These are as important as the words she says and if we see these taking shape, then her sudden taking of his hand and leading him to a dark corner to kiss is not such a bolt out of the blue. The problem here is that there is no indication that Jasmine is ‘that kind of. Up. Down. Up. Down. Up. Down. I lowered my kicking to push more water away from me. My pace increased. My heart was smacking viciously against my sternum. My lungs were crying for oxygen. I stretched my arm out farther. I wouldn’t be able to hold it together much longer. I let out a huge, desperate breath underwater that bubbled up all around me. A second later, I had had enough. I shot up and jerked my head out of the water with an incredible gasp. My eyes were still clenched. I felt around for the edge of the pool, and felt nothing. Finally my eyes shot open. I was a good fifteen feet away. I didn’t make it home until after Christina had left for the hospital. I wandered the house, my shorts and hair still damp and stuck to my skin. After I was sure that she was gone, I locked the front door and stripped bare. It’s fun being naked. Especially with my skin still wet, and the cool, conditioned air inside the house coating my form, walking through the bedroom to our bathroom as if.
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