I can’t move, I don’t want to move, I want everything to go away. Lydia is on the walk way with in minutes she sits down next to me with her arm over my shoulders. I move down until my head rest in her motherly lap, she just strokes my hair and rocks me, she doesn’t even waste the moment with words. We bond again that night, again with tears and with out word comprehendible to the naked ear. I feel her tears lightly hit the side of my face and mix with my own. We mix, our souls, our tears, our love, it all mixes. ‘I really was going to jump.’ I mumble staring off into nothingness. ‘Shh…. I know but its over now. You are a fighter, but you don’t have to fight alone.’ ‘Its my fault you know, its all my fault, everything.’ I start to sob a new. Lydia gently pulls my hair back away from my face and ear. ‘Don’t you ever say that!’ Her voice is felled with passion. ‘Its not your fault! No matter what anyone says, no matter what you think, its not your fault.’ ‘You don’t even know what. We actually I finished the wine and she drove up the river to the coast where the cabins were.When we entered where the cabins were, there were no tracks in the fresh snow, which could have meant that anywhere from 12 to 18 hunters could be in for a surprise, if they were still thee that morning, or they left and were on the trailer before the snow ended. I was told by my g/f that I was allowed to wear my coat and sweater and dress but everything had to be unbuttoned and open up for viewing. It was chilly so I gratefully agreed. When we got to where the cabins were we could see lots of signs of earlier activity, but we both agreed that it didn’t look like there was enough tracks that everyone had gone out. She stayed back by the truck and took pictures of me going up to the first cabin to knock on the door. Often the guys designated to cook and clean each day would stay behind and we (again I, as my g/f is gay and did not do men, but knows that I need to) were going to give.
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