All the other positions were haphazard. When we were done, there were stockings hung all the way across the room.“Now, you’ve got to sleep fast so it will be morning,” I said. “Get your teeth brushed and let’s get you to bed.” The boys scrambled.I turned around and my family—my chosen family—were gathered around me to give me a kiss. Kate just lightly brushed my lips with hers and whispered, “Merry Christmas, lover.” Lissa kissed me deeply and brushed her cheek against mine. “My boys are so lucky to have two wonderful dads,” she said. Melody almost crushed my lips beneath hers. She didn’t say anything, but clung to me, holding me tightly. I knew she must be feeling the loss of her father especially hard.What surprised me though was that Wendy was across the room cuddled with my mom and dad on the sofa. Mom was holding her and rocking her back and forth. I was so glad we brought Wendy with us.The filling of Christmas stockings is mystic. I’ve never figured out how it works, even after. I started going to the park and sitting on the benches watching thepeople go by and wondering all the while if it would be better to be aboy or a girl. Mostly I went outside as a girl but when I felt mymanhood calling I would go back to being Fred again. Boy or girl itdidn't seem to matter, I couldn't get out of the box I was living in. Istill felt isolated from the rest of the world and couldn't seem to makecontact with anyone. Death started to make his way into my thoughts andbefore long he was sitting on the bench next to me saying that I shouldput an end to my suffering.But I just wasn't going to do myself in. I was at a point where I wasn'tholding on to life but I wasn't seeking death either when a strangething happened. This girl came by riding a motorcycle and stopped infront of me and asked if I would like a ride. What was really strangewas that she hardly had any clothes on.I said sure why not, where ever she takes me has to be better thansitting on this bench with death on.
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