It wasn’t long before I wasn’t keeping these feelings hidden. I doubt you would find it useful to hear the details of the next stage of our marriage–I hope you and David aren’t starting from the same place we did! It’s enough to say that my insecurity and snippiness pushed His buttons, He became resentful and would turn His back on me, and that made me even more insecure and nasty. We started exploding into arguments over the most trivial things. I’d take something He said or did as slighting, and felt that if I didn’t hit back I’d be submerged as a person. Now I recognize that as a kind of lost-little-girl panic, but then I was self-righteous in my defensiveness. In the end we’d always manage to smooth it over somehow, but that never lasted, and then it was back to the same old power struggle. This went on for three years, sometimes better, sometimes so bad we talked about divorce. Those conversations were sad! Frustrated and angry as I was, my heart almost broke when I thought. I never told anyone that Janice and Mike were lovers, but the word spread like wildfire through our small town. The last I heard. Mike and his wife were separated. I made it a point to not travel in the same circles as Mike, or Janice, so everything I heard was little more than rumor.I went through all the usual-self evaluations and condemnations for a few months. I felt betrayed. I felt humiliated. Often, I just felt sick. Was I that inadequate as a husband? Hadn't I been getting the job done? Did Janice turn to Mike in desperation? I was feeling pretty low about the time the divorce was granted. Then things began to change.More than a few women seemed to find me acceptable, adequate even. Pretty soon I began to realize I was more than adequate. At least my lady friends told me so. The anger was still there, but it was beginning to dissipate. The feelings of failure and inadequacy were slowly replaced with confidence. I was dating a number of women and having more sex than I had in.
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