Poor Agnes. Sorry…’ I indicate the end of my hushed apology with an ‘I’m done now, dramatic emotional scene over, as you were.’ raised palm. Mortified, I close my eyes like it’s all too much. I want to keep them closed forever, or at least until the communion wafers have been doled out, final hymn sung and Agnes bloody McCormac has been shunted back down the aisle on the shoulders of her loving family, with the rest of the congregation following behind. It’s too late to duck back out, find St Patrick’s For Protestants, slip in the back, offer my condolences to Billy’s wife and sons, my new bosses afterward… Isn’t it? What fancy tricks did old snake chaser Pat get up to in Ballytorr to be honoured with both churches named after him anyway? And on the same road? Mind you, this is the back end of nowhere, probably not many roads in Ballytorr at all, but still! Similar muddles must surely be common enough to warrant a visual alert of sorts out front. Bible shaped signage announcing. Running down the stairs I yelled that I was leaving to our moms instead. “Bye, sweetie,” they called out in unison. Yes, we have two moms, they’ve been together since before I was born. I know they say there isn’t a gay gene, but I think they have it wrong. There are my moms, then Jordan’s gay, and both moms have several cousins who aren’t straight, then of course Mother’s brother is gay. Yes, I’m sure that was fun. Jordan’s grandparents only had two kids—one’s a lesbian and one’s gay. Jordan and I aren’t actually related, our mom’s both had sperm donors, but we’ve been raised as brothers and frankly, I can’t imagine anything else. Kids used to give us shit about our moms but as Mother (we call Jordan’s mom Mother) always says, “Who gives a flying fuck in hell? We’re awesome!” Mom gets on to her all the time for swearing, but I think she’s fun. If people don’t realize something bothers you, they tend to leave you alone about it. It’s been a little harder for Jordan than it has for.
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