I kind of can't help myself. Becky getsto wear all those really nice and interesting things, but I guess I'm noteven supposed to think about stuff like that. But I do! I can't helpit! I think about it all the time! I guess, I always have. She gets towear nice things like that because she's a girl, and I can't because I'ma boy. It's so not fair!Becky always gets really interesting things for her birthday andChristmas too. And I always get dumb stuff. I mean, is it so bad thatBecky and I both like to play with her dolls and her doll house stuff?Is it really so bad? And she has all this really cool jewelry makingstuff that's so neat! I love to create cool looking things with it towear! But I guess that's bad too because Mom and Dad yell at me for thattoo. So I'm sorry. I guess I haven't been all that good this year afterall. But like I said, I kind of can't help it. Those are the thingsthat interest me, not the dumb stuff I'm supposed to like.Santa, why did I have to be. Imagining what they wanted. Imagining above all what it would be like. I remembered a day when I had stayed home from school feigning being sick but really planning to spend the day in the empty house in my older sister’s bedroom playing dress up with her things. She had such beautiful things. I hid in her closet when she came home at lunch with her boyfriend. I peeked through the closet door louvers and listened as she gasped and moaned and almost screamed for the next 40 minutes and then left all too soon. The memories of how she took him first in her mouth and then below were burned into my mind. The look on her face. I had always thought she was gorgeous but I had never wanted to be her so badly as for those 40 minutes…His voice again, ‘Did you like the way it felt? Do you? You can tell me, I promise that I would never tell anyone. You can trust me.’ And at last I let it out and I did trust him. ‘Yes, Yes I did like the way it felt and I do like the way it feels. I.
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