I miss that. I haven't cut myself in 6 months. The last time wasNovember 12th. The last time I made love to myself. Riding the bus,always the bus. Riding with old people, and punks, and ordinary people movingthrough their miserable pathetic lives. They're beautiful, fascinating and Istare at them one by one, never seeing them before and wondering if I'll eversee them again. They're uncomfortable, hating my bad manners. All except thepunks...They stare back. One pushes out his tongue and laughs and I smile,spreading my fingers in a V across my lips and slipping my pink wet tongue outin turn. A year ago I would have let him fuck me, sport fucking...Just to do itand hate myself later. Basking in my self-loathing. But now I'm the new me. Hegets up and sits down next to me, his friends teasing him, urging him on. The creakof his heavy leather jacket and the smell of the 40 he's still holding in apaper bag fill my senses. "Wannaparty?" He asks, looking down my open coat. "Withyou?" I turn. I wasted years dreaming of becoming a rehab master. Buy them, fix them and flip them. That was what I really wanted to do for a living, and that is how I would spend the rest of my life. The real estate agent thought I was insane. She tried to steer me to less-stressed properties. She just couldn’t wrap her head around my dream. Of course, I got the place for a song so her commission may have been her impetus to try to sell me something a bit more pricey. I was the proud owner of a home in need of everything redone. I moved in without electricity and only one working bathroom. It was simply heaven. A new roof and upgrading the electrical were the first things on my to-do list. I would have to contract out both. I would help with the labor, but I needed professionals to guide me through the critical steps. The roofer could come out immediately. The electrical was a different story. The contractors were backed up and didn’t expect to get to me for two weeks. I sweetened the bid price.
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