He is always, in her recollections, lying in bed, waiting for her, a presence, a grief, an ache. But in fact, he had never once waited for her in bed, being occupied during the late hours, in his favorite chair, always reading the bible. She must, she thinks, get that part right… he had never awaited her. But what was his name? What was his name? Her husband’s name? A suppressed pain. Fear. There is something careless about this kind of forgetting, something unpardonable, a great guilt. Her husband, her master. His face has the quality of a blurred photograph, yet she remembers his rough hands. His rough, calloused hands on her soft breast. She shudders. Feeling foolish she starts through the alphabet, trying to associate a name with each letter: Albert, Benjamin, Charles, Donald… It feels as if every last cell of her brain was driven into illness. Her lack of memory fills her with silent dread. Not my mind, Dear god not my mind! She tries to compose herself. Ernest, Frank… Letter. I just don’t want you to get in trouble.” “Why would I get in trouble?” Gwen told a white lie, but very convincingly, “Well, girls can sometimes be jailed for watching things they are not supposed to. I know, after all we have done, this is probably a shock, but since I have been protecting you and keeping our playtime a secret, I just want you to know that jail isn’t worth it.” “Oh.” I accepted the lie, but didn’t care. This was another big moment for me. Though it was predicated on a lie, I knew I wanted to watch, hell, maybe even take part in some way. Gwen an I eventually arrived at an agreement that I could watch, but could not touch unless Gwen said so, and under no circumstances could I be touched by Ricky, her boyfriend. An hour later Gwen, wearing the clothes we wore to the mall, but substantially more makeup, especially on her lips and eyes, pranced downstairs and welcomed Ricky. He had been the friend that had dropped her off. I was introduced and then Gwen gave me a.
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