She told me that she hoped to have at least three kids and wished that at least one was a daughter. I hated the fact that I could never conceive and carry life within my body. I despised the fact that, even though I was still debating within myself, if I would ever go all the way and have the operation. It was bad enough that I couldn’t go on HRT to help start my transitioning as long as I was in the military. I starting thinking that I could never become the true woman I longed to be all my life. I felt like I was a sham for what I was. I felt so screwed up. I even started questioning if I should go ahead with finding an apartment for us to share. The dark thoughts, that I thought I had shaken off when I was a teenager, started creeping back into my mind. I really felt, for the first time in a long time, how maybe life would be easier for me if I just gave in to society and be the male that I was forced to be. It would be easy finding a military doctor to give me testosterone and. Myphone did finally buzz, and I got a message back saying:"It's okay. I'm sorry too. I hope you find happiness as well."The message didn't really make me feel much better immediately, but Ifigured in time -- it might allow me to move on. And at least, on somelevel, it felt like some kind of real closure on this whole, absolutelycrazy adventure I had just gone through over the past couple of months.I finally stepped out of my car and walked up to my apartment, slidingmy heels off as I went. I even casually tossed them in the nearbydumpster as I walked, feeling no regret or sadness at the loss. I wasready to take the dress off and toss it too. Actually, there would be alot of things I would be tossing out tonight.I paused as I pulled out my keys and reached for my doorknob... Therewas an item hanging from my doorknob.It took me a second to register. It was a bra. I quickly scanned thecomplex, but noticed nobody looking at me. This was embarrassing. Whatkind of stupid joke was this? I.
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