” T: “You know I’m never too busy to chat with you doll. You said you needed to get your mind off of the studies, can I help?” N: “Only if you have time and want to.” She hit enter and giggled, she knew he’d take care of everything from here.” T: “Well then, I do have time, if you want me to write a bit for you; you know I love to get you nice and relaxed . . . LOL.” T: “You alone?” N: “yep.” T: “Good, get comfy then, let me tell you just what I’d like to do to get your mind off of all that legal stuff for a bit.” N: “ok.” T: “You’re sitting in a chair, I walk up behind you, and you know I’m there because you hear me breathing. My hands roam to your shoulders and begin rubbing them . . . my face slips down to your neck and kisses you beneath your ear gently as I whisper ‘Take a break girl; you are so tensed up; you put the book aside and lay your arms onto the arms of the. What would he think if he knew I did that kind of thing while thinking about him? Would he be disgusted? It was a constant cycle, almost every night. ecstasy then massive guilt.Just looking at his face when we would hang out together would bring on a tinge of guilt. Exactly what had I imagined that mouth doing the night before? Sometimes just holding his hand would turn me on. My imagination got away from me much too often. Then he would smile a warm, innocent smile at me, and I hated myself all over again. I became so afraid that he would notice that I started making up excuses and meeting him sporadically. Something was very, very wrong with me. I knew it, but I didn't want to stop being around him. I didn't want to never see him again. The feelings, the urges, they just became too much for me. The guilt was killing me. And the idea that he didn't even think of me in that manner crushed me. I knew it wasn't his fault though. Anything I felt for him and about him and what I did with.
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