Yet my mind persisted, wondering what might have been if I'd only realized that Ruth was scared of physical intimacy. She was afraid of losing me as a friend if we didn't carry our relationship further, and had told me as much when I confessed my feelings of love for her. Ruth had become dependent, almost addicted, to our special brand of friendship with benefits. Did she live in constant fear that I would one day stop being her friend and thus stop providing her with the shelter and convenience of a virtual relationship? Did she ever fully realize that I would have done anything for her, on any level, if only she could love me back in kind? I wondered.I had determined years ago that the problem was really within me. What Ruth had needed most was for me to take the reins and push her out of her comfort zone and into reality. I know that I would have loved her and cherished her during the first difficult real encounter and long afterward. She had been my first true love, and I loved. Well, it made a change from network TV. Anyway, I suggested installing our closed circuit camera and recorder in a house off the UCLA campus, and holding a “special” party for the frat guys. I told the UCLA chapter house president that if she did this we’d take care of their problem for them. She agreed, and some days later several of us drove down to LA with the equipment and set it up in a borrowed house just off campus. I took time to scope out the fraternity brothers, contriving to meet Gene Benjamin, the house president, at a dance the first night. After dancing a couple of times with him, I said I was new in town and was having a get-to-know-you party. Would he and his house brothers like to come? He made it plain that he would. He said I was beautiful, and that if the other women at the party looked half as nice as me he could get most of his fraternity brothers to come. * Party night came round, and everything had been set up. I.
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