Slowly I started sending smileys also. I observed my mother in the meanwhile ad she acted normally.She was avoiding me and till now had not forgiven me for the video and honestly I did not care..I was enjoying the messaging with her.For a few days..I regularly message her casually like that she was doing etc and reply was timely, though it appeared to be a little cold and disinterested.After a few days, I got bored of this good morning and good night, I messaged:Me: kya kar rahi ho?Mom: nothing..Baithi hu..Me: main b bore ho raha hu..Can I tell you something?Mom: hmm..What?Me: I genuinely love you..Mujhe malum hai you will not believe.Mom: I dont even know you and tumne jo mere bete k sath kiya hai vo main nahi bhul sakti.Me: hmm..I dont blame you, jo b I love youMom: aur koi baat karo plsSuch coldness made me angry..And I decided to be a little more aggressive.I sent the video again to herMom: ye wapas kyu bheja mujhe?Me: ye yaad dilane k liye ki I still have it..Acha jo puchunga. Having moved into my own home, the temptation should have been to bewhatever and whoever I pleased, the reality though was that societalconstraints and the need to be accepted by my workmates ( my only peergroup as I had no one I could call a friend) meant that I felt anoverriding need to conform.I not only continued to hide the real me, I started to date a femalefriend of a male colleague. She was the first person I ever developed asexual relationship with and it did not happen easily - we had many manyfalse starts before we successfully engaged in coitus (thanks big bangtheory). She was my first and remains my only.We progressed through life together, she moved in and we married, moved toanother house and had a child. Life continued until about 2010 when Irealised that I was again harbouring resentment and it was unfairlydirected towards my son, then 5 and my wife. I felt he prevented me frombeing the person I needed to be, but the reality was , and is that I was /am the only person.
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