Plagued by fear of failures both real and unrealized, I just know I seemed incapable of loving another human being. In fact, I could not even love myself. The fact of the matter is that I started drinking more during this time than I ever had. Where I should have been opening up to another human being, I remained a prisoner of my own self-imposed isolation, reveling in my own loneliness and isolation. I had become my own judge, jury and executioner. I knew nothing about grief or depression, yet I was dealing with unexpressed grief and I was clinically depressed. It was as if I deliberately decided to kill off a part of myself to make life bearable, to cut off the emotions that plagued my mind, never realizing I was cutting myself off from the positive emotions as well as the negative. That deal comes with a heavy price I could not afford to pay. I was secretly hoping that nobody could see the chinks in the invisible armor we all try to hide behind from time to time, and yet everyone. "She was happy to have the water heated and poured for her and the old man put a little bit of scented rosewater into the bath because she was so sweaty from working all day. She was not embarrassed any more. Ever since her guardian had given her the correction on his lap, she knew she would be a good girl for him and try to please him in every way. She knew he was not minded to take a sexual liberty with her like the man on the train but he would accede to her need for release if she showed him that she needed the comfort of his fingers or even temporary use of his man tool.Heidi was determined to get closer to Gunther in every way possible.Gunther scrubbed Heidi's back and tenderly soaped her shapely bottom. His fingers cleaned the delicate folds of her womanhood more from a sense of tending to her cleanliness than any ulterior motive to satisfy his own male urges.Since she had complained about her aching muscles, Gunther told her to stretch out on the wool rug and let him massage.
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