”You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.You’ve worn out a car horn. (IF you have a car.)You think eye contact is an act of aggressionORYou can retire to Minnesota where...You only have three spices: salt, pepper and ketchup.Halloween costumes have to fit over parkas.You have seventeen recipes for casserole.Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.The four seasons are: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road repair.The highest level of criticism is “He is different,” “She is different,” or “It was different!”ORYou can retire to The Deep South where...You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.“Y’all” is singular and “all y’all” is plural.“He needed killin” is a valid defense.Everyone has two first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Joe Bob, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.Everything is either: “in yonder,” “over yonder” or “out yonder.”You can say anything about anyone, as long as you say “Bless his heart”. “Bat! Oh, my, God ... Jerry, look, it’s a bat! Chase it away! Bats carry rabies!” Mom shouted as I swooped in closer and yet the cats still didn’t hiss or swipe at me, “this is your fault, Jerry. This is why the electric bill is so damned high ... you always leave the front door ajar for several minutes at a time! Am I the only one thinking of the bills around here?”“What about Charles? We know that he sneaks around and reads those books late at night!” Jerry snapped about me now, even as he tried desperately to chase me off.“He hasn’t done that in years, Jerry! Not since you grounded him from the books for six weeks for that! Look, I know that I’m as hard on Charles as you can be at times, mostly for his own good, but I’m getting tired at this one-note chorus of yours. Charles this, Charles that! The boy can do no right with you! He’s always to blame, no matter what! I think that sometimes, I’ve bought into your little crap, hook, line, and sinker, and God knows that I’ve strained.
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