By the end I had convinced myself, I was so sure thatSamantha didn't want me anymore, whereas Brian did." I knew you still cared but not enough in comparison. I made the classicmistake of believing in love where it didn't exist and ignoring it whereit did. Tunnel vision... I don't know, I do know he did not love me... hesimply wanted to take the love we shared because I don't think he can feelit. He wants it but does not know how to... open himself to it. When...that night... I knew, but couldn't acknowledge it. But the next day, whenyou left the whole house of cards fell apart and I felt so lost and aloneand I understood, finally where you had been. My god, so bleak and cold...it was only the need to be sure you were ok and then the chance of youcoming back. That's all that kept me going for a day or two." She shruggedand became aware for the first time of the tears running down her face andthe blend of pain and loss and love and hope that mingled within her. So softly Kara could. Then she lined my lips, filled in with lipstick andapplied lip gloss. All the while she was chatting animatedly about howwonderful it looked, but she wouldn't let me see.She put me under the dryer and started to work on my nails. I had let themgrow for a couple weeks and they were way too femme for a guy, but Icouldn't help myself. She cleaned off the clear polish, fussed with mycuticles and did a much better job shaping my nails than I ever could. Thenshe put on a base coat, two coats of beautiful pink polish that matched mylipstick, and a clear, shiny top coat. I was mesmerized by the way my handslooked. I couldn't believe how feminine they were.When my hair was dry, and the curls had cooled, Heidi removed the curlers.She removed the curlers by the dryer and not at her station because shedidn't want me to see myself in the mirror. She brushed my hair out, fussedwith it for a while, lightly sprayed it into place and finally said thatshe was done. I was a mass of nerves and I had an.
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