It wasn’t just thinking that maybe there was small changes going on in my body. I also felt there might be something wrong with my mind. I couldn’t really think straight. I used to be kind of intelligent but I couldn’t read anything more complicated then a girly magazine or I got a headache. I very rarely thought of anything more ambitious than new woman clothes I would like to buy, or how I might imaginatively combine items in my wardrobe to great sexy new outfits. I often felt weak-minded and a bit dizzy, and I found I only felt fully secure and stable when stefan was around to tell me things were ok. I felt thankful that he was around during this weak-minded phase to direct me what I should do, or how I should feel about something, or what I really wanted to say but couldn’t find the words, or spoke the wrong ones.My distracted, weakened state of mind did not go unnoticed at work. My boss thought I might be having mild burnout, and felt it was better if I went back to a half-week. My parents were in the kitchen talking in hushed voices, no doubt discussing me, while I sat in my own stink fiddling with the remote to find something on daytime television to occupy the time and drown out the verdict of a jury of two.Out on the streets without a job, I knew that I’d have to live in a cardboard box and one without cable. There was nothing on live TV so I clicked on a familiar stored movie and played it for a while after fast forwarding through the preamble to the action scenes.And the thought just hit me, what if I could press a rewind button on my own life and go back to just before I was sick and make sure this time that I ran out and made it to the loo in time?What about if I went back further and didn’t drink that last bottle of whatever rubbish liquor it was that was left in Dad’s now empty drinks cabinet?It was just a thought. We all have them. I was at the lowest point in my thirty-two years of existence and I just thought, bugger, why can’t something good.
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