This 18th-century painting depicts a girl on a swing, lifting her legs high in the air to expose her petticoats to a young buck lying in the grass. I’ve always assumed she was wearing no knickers.A European heatwave was raging, with temperatures climbing into the 30s and my wife Cynthia had taken our twelve-year-old twins off to Scotland to stay with their grandparents.On my first weekend alone, I got heavily into some gardening tasks, but decided to call it a day at around 2 o’clock. Stretching out on the sun lounger on the patio, I slid off my denim shorts and lay playing with myself through my cotton briefs. I had soon stroked myself into a nice ‘semi’ and was contemplating its conclusion when my phone signalled an incoming text message. I guessed it was probably Cynthia to say that she and the girls had arrived safely. But the message read: Why don’t you have a lovely wank while I watch? MWho was ‘M’ and where was he or she watching me from? Intrigued, I stroked on and concluded. You see to my dad, my mom is some kind sex goddess. He's always comparing her to all of those supermodels that you see on TV. And in his mind she wins every time. The reality though, is that my mom really isn't very attractive. Back in the sixties, when they were young and during the seventies, eighties and nineties, society had its head up its ass when it came to the standards for feminine beauty. The way they looked at it, if you were thin you were in. And my mom to this day is very thin. She has very severe facial features, no tits to speak of and boyish hips." Her legs are skinny and her knees and elbows are so sharp, that I don't know how my dad can sleep in the same bed with her without getting stabbed to death. I'm also sure that she occasionally cheated on him. She works the bar during the early afternoon hours before it gets really busy, with the occasional night shift during special events. Over the years, I'd sometimes go to the bar to do my homework or after school if no.
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