I didn't think suchdepth of feeling could ever exist." Okay, I want you to close your eyes and remember the scene. Can youremember the warmth of the sun beating down?" asked Rachel in a gentlevoice."Oh yes, it was very warm." Excellent. What about smell, can you remember anything about that?" There was the smell of the flowers on the chairs, but more the flowersin bloom all around us." How do you feel seeing the ceremony?" It's such a wonderful thing to watch. So full of love, not just fromFran and Ingrid, but the love of all the students and teachers just madeit one of the happiest days." Picture yourself standing there, singing one of the hymns. Describe whatyou are wearing."I paused at this stage and trembled slightly as I replied, "I am standingwearing a grey morning suit. The jacket is full length with tails. In myleft hand is a matching top hat." Continue that image, but now look to your side, who is next to you?" Christopher," I replied with a smile. The trembling had gone and. And wish I couldn’t.Then again, if those seven months have proved anything to me it’s the fact I could no more refuse the hateful Indian bitch and her sadistic housekeeper than I could turn cheap ale into vintage wine. Their hold on me, I now know, is irrevocable and, so great is their confidence, they want to twist the knife further. Hence the hypnotic command given me to not just remember the shameful events of the recent past, but to actually recall the response to them they had programmed me to erase each evening before retiring to my cot in their basement. Even I still find myself proscribed recall of the triggers and conditioning that had forced me into instigating those ?Shameful events? in the first place.Of course, a different hypnotic command held sway when it came to Vera, my wife. The deterioration of our marriage and her complete loss of respect for me as I –her husband of twenty-five-years- shamed myself before her, all too easy to recall. A shame and deterioration.
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