But now you have three girls, women, who depend on you. Three human beings whose life and happiness are linked to yours. I saw you, remember? I was there when you fell apart. What happens if you face a situation in the future where you are just as conflicted? You would destroy four lives, not just one." Dad, everything you say is right except for one. I fell apart because I didn't have them. I was alone in my head and I had done this terrible thing. I fell apart because I thought no one knew, no one could know. Now I can share with them, and I can share with you and mom. I can share with Ailene and Stewart. I am not alone anymore." Will there be more, son?" the worry in his voice was a knife in James's chest."I don't know, Dad. I didn't plan this one. Sally was killing herself and this was part of saving her. Would it be better to let someone go rather than risk adding another member to my family?" James really was conflicted, guilty over the way this had happened and worried about. I particularly remember one 15 year old girl named Abby. I could see her cheeks blushing deep red, even though she hung her head so strongly. She was squirming and stammering as she told me how punishment was performed at her house.“Whenever I am in trouble, my father tells me to go to his study and prepare for my punishment” she pauses and glances at me.“Go on” I tell her. “how do you ‘prepare’?”“When I go into his study I take off all of my clothes and fold them neatly on his desk. Then I kneel on the floor and wait for him. I feel like a dog kneeling on all fours and waiting. Sometimes it is over with quickly, other times he makes me wait for a long time. When he enters, he already has his belt in his hand. He waits while I recount how I have misbehaved and need to be punished for my behavior. After I have ‘asked’ to be spanked, he starts. I hear the whistle of the belt as it moves through the air and then the crack as it hits my bottom. I hear it several seconds before I start to.
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