Throughout high school, my chemistry and physics teachers would make jokes about the other side of the science wing, where the biologists kept what one of my teachers called ‘bullshit.’ I guess I kept that thinking, and throughout college I took the biology classes but chemistry was my thing. It made sense. It was for the most part black and white. Ecology, from what wafted to my office while I was at work, was not black and white. Regardless of whether I was a biology person or not, that summer I made a huge decision. Very unlike me. I decided to get a goldfish. This was totally out of line for me, since in the past I was unable to keep various plants alive. I shared a lizard with my roommate for a short while in college—that is, until he escaped. I was lonely I guess. I think some part of me thought it would be very ‘urban.’ Very ‘vogue.’ My apartment was cluttered for the most part, but I thought getting a goldfish would help my feng shui, or what little of it was present at. I had finally gotten my wife into a strip club, and I didn’t want to push my luck. I was afraid of how my wife might react to one of the dancers giving me a lap dance, so I was trying not to encourage anything. I tried not to look at the girls when they were in front of me, and I did not put any cash on the rail. (Cash on the rail is a sign to the dancers that you want a lap dance.) That is until the waitress returned and set our drinks down on the rail to the stage, setting my change by it. I was busy talking to my wife, so I didn’t pay any attention to what she just did. Imagine the look on my face when the girl on the stage starts to move my drink out of the way and climbs down to my lap. I am always one for a lap dance, my favorite part being when the dancer rubs her tits in your face, and the overwhelming aroma of the perfume that she is wearing. But my wife was sitting right next to me. I was afraid that she would get mad or something. Hell, I had a dozen different thoughts.
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