He was unchanged and unresponsive, but quietly restive. His chest rose and fell and his breathing was less harsh and ragged for now, though he occasionally grimaced in his sleep. She’d made him as comfortable as she was able. Now, rest was the best thing for them both. She sat down and huddled into her thick clothes as she held her stiff, frozen fingers out to the fire. She wondered that she didn’t have to quiet her mind; normally, her thoughts would be jumbled and frantic, bouncing confusingly one after the other in a wild ruckus of fear, anxiety, and endlessly repeating ‘what ifs’. But just then, her frantic thoughts couldn’t penetrate the thick haze of mental, physical, and emotional exhaustion. The flames swayed, sensual, hypnotic. Patiently restless. Tendrils of heat reached and dipped, twisting as it reached toward the cave roof. The warmth was spreading, moving through the cave and slowly thawing away the biting cold. The heat enfolded her, chasing the lingering chill from her. I would eat dinner with him two times a week, guiding him down the long hallways as he slowly negotiated the trek with his walker. In this fashion, he did reasonably well until the night of January 24th, 2008. No one knows exactly what happened, but in the wee hours of the morning the aides found him slumped over with a badly broken hip. Although the operation to repair his hip was successful, he was never the sane after that. Perhaps it was the anesthesia, he simply failed to thrive and in April announced he was no longer interested in eating or drinking. Despite trying Physical Therapy, my fsther never learned to walk again and was essentially bedridden. At the same time he bacame incontinent and had to wear diapers for the first time in his adult life. My family was devastated to see this once vital man reduced to living like a baby. We knew it was futile to try to force a feeding tube on him. The process would simply prolong the agony, and from the look on my father’s face, it.
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