’ My insides were like jelly. I knew it must be nothing more than sweet talk, morning after balm to keep him in my good graces. But I let myself believe it. ‘Sweet talker,’ I teased him. ‘Do you want something to eat?’ ‘You know I can’t eat this early. I’ll take some coffee if you got it.’ I kissed his forehead, not knowing if I would ever have him here like this again and took a long lingering look to file away in my good memory box. ‘I’ll put a pot on, then I’m going to take a shower.’ The warm water washed over me, but didn’t seem to wake me. I felt so light that I must be dreaming still. Nothing from the night before could be true. Let it be a dream that I could cherish, with no consequences and no guilt. It wasn’t a dream, because when I emerged from the shower he was still there. And still the bad feelings that I kept expecting to crash down on me stayed away. There was something magical in this, I thought as we sat down to a shared cup of coffee. ‘I can’t stay long,’ he told. So, here goes: My life feels like a giant mess pile in a contractor trash bag that I keep dragging behind me with no hope for the heaviness of its stress to lighten. I haven't gotten over my last break up yet - sad, I know - and it's just making me feel like I'm the most worthless person on the planet. I keep playing through what I did or where I went wrong but I keep coming blank then swap into these horrible bouts of self-loathing for not doing better at whatever the fuck was wrong. I keep thinking of him too. What he might be doing right now and constantly wondering if he is thinking of me at all. If he even cares about me to begin with? Etc, etc, etc. Insert standard sadness shit here, blah... As you know, I struggle with trying to distract myself with other tasks or activities that might help take my mind off how unworthy I feel - and how much wine I've consumed in recent months - but nothing is helping. I can't even find someone who is willing to hold me for longer than a few.
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