And as I gained confidence, I became more and more brazen, more and more forward in displaying my charms for men and communicating to them the exquisite pleasures I might provide them, either through verbal description or through the wordless moans of a desperate slave girl seeking the dominating touch of a master. While some of this performance was an act, some of it was real - I did want to be taken and dominated, not just because that would improve my standing among the slaves, but also because that was the sole relevant measure of my value. In school my value had been set by grades, friends, and boyfriends; here my value was set by my ability to please men, and I deeply, psychologically wanted to be valued. I welcomed the taste of a master in my mouth, or the feeling of him in my body, as a valid sign of the meaning my life now had, and I was truly grateful to the men who saw fit to give me that sign.One night several days into my tenure at the club, I brought a vodka martini to. Then he turned around and those soft brown eyes bore into mine even as he started to speak. Suddenly it was as if I was falling down a long dark tunnel with no hope of saving myself or escaping. The past two years melted away as if they were nothing and all of the pain came rushing back as if no time had passed. All of those months spent in therapy had been wasted. It was like I'd been wounded and didn't get stitched up. I had simply placed a band aid over the top of my gaping wound and it had developed the thinnest possible scab over the wound. Seeing him was like ripping that band aid off and pulling the scab off completely. The gaping, still bleeding hole was exposed all over again and hurt just as much. I don't remember hearing what he actually ordered, but I knew what to bring him anyway.He recognized me at the same time and his discomfort at being in the lesbian bar tripled. His face never moved except for the tiniest downward tilt in the corners of his mouth. His eyes also.
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