What the doctor thought I don’t know; he said I was suffering from nervous exhaustion, asked my mother if I was steady and kept good hours. My mother said I was the quietest and best of sons, as innocent as a child, and that I was suffering from severe study — she had long thought I should; the fact being that for four months I had scarcely looked at a book, excepting when she was near me, and had, when not thinking of Charlotte, spent my time in writing baudy words and sketching cunts and pricks with pen and ink.Thus I lost my virginity, and took one; thus ended my first love * or lust; which will you call it? I call it love, for I was fond of the girl, and she of me. Some might call it a seduction, but thinking of it after this lapse of years, I do not.It was only the natural result of two people being thrown together, both young, full of hot blood, and eager to gratify their sexual curiosity; there was Do blame to either, we were made to do it, and did but illustrate the truth of. ‘Please –‘ I whimpered eventually, not entirely sure whether I was begging him to stop or carry on. ‘Please, Adam –‘ ‘Now,’ he breathed, as though he’d been waiting for my permission, withdrawing almost completely, leaving me so achingly empty I cried out with relief when he plunged back in. ‘Emma,’ he murmured, laughing softly as he pulled out of me again, one hand stealing around my hip, dipping into the curls between my legs. We both moaned as he caressed me there, sliding readily into the wetness, at first distracting me from the discomfort ofhis penetration but then only serving to heighten my arousal as the pain subsided. Long, sensuous strokes were interspersed with short, taunting, thrusts, the continuing stimulation of his clever fingers driving all thought, save that of the imminent sunrise, right out of my head. Determined to watch, I managed to keep my eyes open only by staring into the distance and concentrating on that steadily widening band of yellow. The amber glow.
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