She was clearly very dubious but after sucking on her finger for a couple of minutes, Jennie said, “Gosh, Caroline, you taste really good.”“Is it different from you?”“I don’t know. I’ve never tasted myself.”“Weren’t you ever curious?”“Of course, I was curious. But I was afraid it would mean I was a lesbian if I put my finger into my mouth after playing with myself.”“Well, it wouldn’t. It would only mean that you have a normal and very natural curiosity. And besides, Freddie put his tongue into you the other night. You should have some idea how you tasted to him. There are some things that can be done if the taste isn’t any good. You know, fishy or like that.”“I think that’s what I was afraid of, Caroline. That I would smell like fish like all the boys joke about all of us tasting like.”“That’s all the more reason to find out. It doesn’t have to taste like fish but you have to know if it isn’t, well, nice, in order to know that you should do something about it. Didn’t you and your mom. Safely out of their grasps and watchful eyes, I run wild. My roommate introduces me to alcohol. And you know alcohol can become a great escape, deadening your pain. The problem is when you sober up, your pain returns stronger than ever. It's like pain knows you tried to stifle it - it doesn't want to be stifled.At the fraternity party, I am buzzing from my rum shots and we are playing Fuck, Marry, or Kill. It is my turn. With inhibitions lowered, I blurt out, "Fuck, marry, or kill Krusty the Clown, Bozo, or Pennywise." Everyone pauses then laughs saying I have had too much to drink. No one answers my question. Just so you know, I would fuck Pennywise, marry Bozo, and kill Krusty. But no one wants to know my answer. I proceed to get trashed, feeling very alone.I wake up in my dorm room, still wearing the clothes from the night before. I can't recall anything that happened last night after we were playing games, and it scares me. I don't drink another drop from that day forward. I.
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